Do you love me or not?

5 Ways to Know that he is NOT in love with you:

1) You guys talk for hours about everything else (everyone else) but your relationship. Leaving you questioning where you stand or whether or not he likes you at all.

2) He knows what you truly want. What you like. What would send you over the moon, But he NEVER puts the offer on the table.

3) He keeps telling you that he is not ready 😒. Hiding behind different projects and excuses. “Once I actualise this, we’d figure it out I promise” he would say. Don’t listen. He is only buying time. He has no concrete plans to keep you long term.

4) He is more comfortable having secret meetings. He doesn’t want anyone knowing that you are seeing each other because he is a “private person”.

5) Hé never does anything you like because “it’s not his style”. You’d typical hear things like “oh I don’t write love notes; I don’t do mushy”….

Honestly, You are not insane.

The signs are accurate.

He just doesn’t love you enough!!!!

Dating Is So Hard!!

Been wondering why dating has to be so hard for me when every one else seems to be having it easy. I always feel hyperventilated when I get the question “are you seeing someone?”

I recently asked my friends to tell me why I am single. Majority of them said I don’t go out enough. While others said I don’t put myself out there enough. As a result they set me on a couple of blind dates (I didn’t like) and they signed me up for dating apps (majority of the people I met there were either creepos or misfits) so I took down the apps.

I decided to do things differently 6 months ago when I moved to a new city. I challenged myself to ask 3 guys in the new city out on a date. This is something I always said I was never going to do when I was younger. “African girls do not ask boys out” i would usually tell myself. But i was willing to try something new.

I was able to find two. I asked them out and it was the most embarrassing and humiliating thing I had ever done. One of the guys I asked out stopped saying hi to me and started acting really awkward. Anyways, I learnt my lesson. Not sure I’d be asking anybody out anytime soon.

It can be depressing. Being 26 years old, lonely, not having anyone text or call you can really be hard. What’s even worse is the thought of valentine’s day.

I wish that my loneliness ends this year. My biggest fear is meeting someone who has commitment issues. I pray that i find someone (or he finds me) with an amazing personality who is not afraid of commitments. I deserve to be loved and to love in return.

I pray that one day i too can look love in the eyes and say “I have waited for you for two eternities…. Welcome!”

While I wait (and while I am single), I would keep working on myself, I’d refrain from comparing myself to others, I would keep traveling, I’d learn to be more extroverted, I’d keep my heart open, I’d hope for the best and most importantly I would trust God’s timing!!

“God’s timing is perfect, even when he appears catastrophically late.”
-Dr. James Dobson

NO SUCH THING AS A “DUMB STUDENT!”

I don’t know about you but, high school was the worst for me. Sadly, I was popular!! I guess i was popular for two reasons: the first was because my dad was vice-principle of the high school i attended and the second was because i had a unique name “IDONO” (PRONOUNCED E-DOOR-NOR).

Teachers picked on me a lot when no one else wanted to talk and i never had the right answer. Every time i answered wrong, my classmates would laugh at me and tease me. They eventually changed my name from “IDONO” to “I- DONT-KNOW” because that was the answer I always gave my teachers every time they put me on the spot. I always felt like i wasn’t smart. Felt like i was too dumb to be in any school. I hated going for classes because I could almost project how it would end. I hated school because my teachers would always take bad reviews about me to my dad.

Like you would imagine, my grades were awful!! I mean they were very bad!! Regardless of my performance at school, My dad was awesome. He kept rooting for me. I guess he always saw what i could become. He literally never gave up on me. He would always say “You need to study”.

“STUDYYYYY?” What did that even mean? How does it work? What materials do i need? These were questions I always asked myself. I tried to “study” for my quizzes and final exam a day before. I tried!! But the result was the same- I was still failing!

One day, I got so tired of everything. I somehow managed to convince my dad that it was time for a new job. I was surprised when he agreed with me. He spoke with my mum and it was official. We were going to move. We were moving away from the teachers, the bullies, the school and the country. Oh you don’t know how super excited I was!

Eventually, we moved from the Republic of Benin to a state in Nigeria called Port-Harcourt. Once we were settled in, we went school-hunting. My dad finally found a school after his heart. The school required that we (the children) come in to take some assessment. The goal of this assessment was to determine if we qualified to join the class my dad was requesting.

As we walked to the principal’s office, i admired the lights and the mind- blowing building esthetics. My excitement soon turned to fear. I immediately became scared that i might fail again. I was super scared that i might never be able to measure up academically in this new school. I quickly whispered to my dad, “daddy don’t you think i should repeat 9th Grade (JSS3)?… I don’t think i am smart enough to pass 10th grade in this school.” My dad’s answer melted all my fears. He managed to convince me that i could do whatever i set my mind to if i was determined enough.

We soon arrived the principal’s office. When we got in, the principal asked me what my name was. This question trigger a flashback to the era where the bullies changed my name to “I-DON’T-KNOW”. I really want a fresh start (i said to myself). I soon faced the principal and said: “Tessy. My name is Tessy!” I loved it.

I took the test and to my greatest surprise i passed. What? I passed? Really? UNBELIEVABLE!!!

As time passed, i applied the “determination” my dad counseled. I took time out to know how my assimilation worked. I studied harder. I set more practice quizzes for myself. I began to study at least 15 hours a day. I started to prepare for exams and quizzes 3 weeks prior. I aligned myself with people who were aspiring as much as i was. I also took out time to understand each teacher and their expectations of me. Gradually each test turned out better than the last and that kept me motivated. By the time the first term was over guess what? I emerged best student in my class.

I did it!! I did ittttttt!! I was so happy! This success soon became my addiction. I lived everyday fearing that my grades would drop. I could almost hear those voices in my head saying “HER IS NAME IS IDONO, THAT’S WHY SHE NEVER KNOWS”. The thought of the bullies always ignited me to pick my books up.

I kept working hard and soon i became the subject matter in the staff room. All my teachers loved me. They encouraged me to chase my dreams. They always made it a point of duty to tell me that they believed in. I was very appreciative of them.

Months soon turned to years. I kept on basking strong. I graduated my high school winning 5 Awards: Best Literature student, Best French Student, Best Government Student, Best CRK Student and i obtained the ultimate award of the “OVERALL BEST STUDENT.” As i walked towards the stage to claim my prices, i kept thinking of how far i had come. How hard i worked and the part that determination played. After high school, i got into college with same tenacity.

I am opined that there is no such thing as a dull student. Everybody is born smart. Some probably assimilate faster than others. Some know maths better than others. Some are better when it comes to technical subjects and that’s okay. No matter which one you are, you have an equal chance to succeed. There is more to you than you think. You can stretch.

I don’t know who needs to hear this today but whosoever you are (- student with shaky grades, parent/grandparent whose ward is failing or if you teach a student who is struggling) don’t give up. Keeping helping!!

Keep rooting! keep encouraging!!

Forgiveness is liberating

Sometime this year, I lived in excruciating pain. I needed a 10-hour surgery to make this pain go away. This surgery was going to affect the use of my legs. Unfortunately, My parents at the time lived 5981 miles away from me. The closest family I had here in the United States was my brother. He however, lived all the way in the west and was taking intense engineering exams at the time that would not have permitted him to come.

I wasn’t as scared of the knives or the aftermath of the anesthesia as I was being alone. I was super anxious! I had a million questions-

“What if the pain continued afterwards?”

“What if I don’t find a physical therapy center that would take me in after the surgery? What next? How do I heal?”

“What if I needed something at night?” “Who would help me move around”?

“What if something went wrong after I was discharged?”

“What if my family is not able to reach after the procedure?” “How would they know the surgery was successful ?” All these questions made me uneasy.

As I prepared to make the trip for the procedure, some days I’d sit in my drive way wailing behind the steering fearing what the future held. Other days I’d be so lost in thoughts that I’d remain at traffic lights minutes after it changed green until I was prompted or honked at. I was gradually losing it. I really needed to know that I’d be fine. I needed to be reassured that I had someone to hold my hands (even for a day). Just one day!

While I was fixing dinner one evening, someone crossed my mind. Let’s call her “Adria”. Adria and I were childhood friends who lost touch because our families moved a lot. Over the years, she moved to the States to go to college. We reconnected when I came to the United States for graduate school about 20years later.

The day we met was incredible – she was perfect! We shared the same dreams, the same beliefs, the had same vacation destinations on our checklists 😆. I mean how perfect can someone be?!

We stayed in touch as much as we could despite our busy school schedules. We’d always squeeze time to video call each other to discuss new movies or even or take turns dancing to new songs. The bond was unbelievable!!!!! I thought our friendship was eternal!

Since I was very comfortable with “Adria”, I thought to myself, why not get “Adria” to come with you for the procedure even if it would be for just one day. Just one day- so my family at least knows that the surgery was successful.

I reached out to “Adria”, {who had just graduated} to share the plan. I offered to pay her flight ticket (she lived all the way in the west too), accommodation, feeding while she would be there and to give her physical cash as a token for coming.

I was convinced that she loved me enough to come, I guess I was wrong!

I texted “Adria”. She didn’t sound very enthusiastic in her reply. She said she wasn’t sure. Minutes later my phone beeped. It was “Adria” asking how much I was going to pay. I stated my price. I didn’t get a reply afterwards.

The thoughts stated again. “Is she mad at me?”

“Was the price so small?” , “does she really love me?” “If she does, why is this even about the money and not my health?”.

I was super madddddd!! I’d do the same for her if roles were reversed you know?! I guess what set me off the most was that I didn’t get any explanations as to why she couldn’t. I didn’t get any texts to follow up. No text asking how the procedure went or how I was healing. Nothing! Just total silence!!!

I died a 1000times.

I thought we were best friends!

I went for the procedure. It was successful. My brother ditched his exams for me. It cost him his grades but I was eternally grateful for his company.

As expected the healing took months. Through out the healing I was so bitter! So mad at everything! So mad that “Adria” still didn’t reach out. I swore I was never going to contact her again.

“If I wasn’t good in the bad times, it wouldn’t be worth the shot in the good times either ” I told myself.

After what seemed like three months “Adria” contacted me! I was so mad!!

“What is she calling me for I said??” “What excuse does she have for not being there for me when I needed her the most?”

She kept calling and calling. I kept ignoring! I wasn’t ready. I was too bitter! I couldn’t see beyond the event. I couldn’t see beyond “me”! I guess I just wasn’t ready!!

One day, I finally budged! “let’s hear what she has to say!!” I said before I eventually took the call.

I picked up and we exchange pleasantries. During the call, I am super silent as I usually am when I am mad!

The next thing Adria says is “where are you?” “Have you done the surgery?”

I was so maddddfddddddddddd!! Gosshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

Is this a test? Really? Is she joking right now? Didn’t I text her details?

I lost it!!! There!! I couldn’t control myself!!

I told her I was mad at her. Stuttering through my sentences, i was able to tell her how hurt she left me. I was so mad that mid way, I made an excuse to hang-up.

After I did I cried! I was so sad!! “Why did I feel this way?” I asked? It was so burdensome!

Our friendship was just never the same after that! She tried! I was too hurt to give us a chance again.

I had prayed every single day before I went to bed, to have the courage to forgive. To let it all go. Today while I am decluttering (emotionally), I realize that the “Adria Hurt” isn’t something I want to carry into the New Year! I have decided to let it go completely. I have decided to replace the feelings of hurt with love. I love her (always will). When I get married, I still want her to be there – I want her to dance with me. She’d probably be married then too.

As I type this, I feel liberated!!! Sharing the story took more than half the hurt away!

I’m sure there are many who are in similar situations or worse. To you out there, whatever you may be going through, however deep you may be hurting – let it go!! It’s not worth dragging into the new year. It’s not our place to judge. In place of staying away in bitterness, KILL THEM WITH KINDNESS!!!

Talk it out!! People can be very oblivious sometimes. Draw the person’s attention to it. My experience has taught me that, If you keep quiet you are only hurting yourself. Talking about it would bring more clarification and answers you need for closure.

After talking it out, re-analyse it in private. But this time be rational. Pray for the strength to love this person again, strength to let it go and then try to let it go completely.

Focus on something else that would yield more progress and positive result in your life. YES! Focus your energy on your life. Life’s journey is about you- find ways to navigate through it peacefully regardless of the thorn thrown your way.

I promise you that as you do this you too would feel liberated!!

Are All Trials Bad??

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

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Does it ever seem like you have more trials than everyone else you know?

Like bad things are constantly happening to {just} you, despite how good and hardworking you have been?

Do you feel your efforts (at school, work, home or in your relationships) are not yielding results?

The feeling is mutual – haha!!! This year like everyone else I had my fair share of trials most of which I never thought I’d overcome.

When they happened, I went to my “sunken place”. I hid my scars. I focused on my insecurities – everything I felt I was not; everything I thought I didn’t have. That’s the wrong way to go about it!!! The sooner I realized that trials could be blessings too, the happier I became. Trials are not always bad. Instead of focusing on the magnitude of the trial, you can redirect your energy towards finding blessings in each of them.
With the New Year around the corner, it is really easy to become myopic by focusing on trivialities. It’s easy to focus on everything that didn’t work out in 2018: the bad grade you got last semester, the gift you didn’t get this Christmas, the mortgage you didn’t pay off, the family reunion that flopped, the money you still don’t have, the health issue lingering, the promotion / new job you didn’t get, the budget you {again} exceeded, the deadline you failed to meet, the relationship that failed or just didn’t happen.

Regardless of what category you belong, DO NOT DESPAIR!!!

Remember that God loves you, and your soul is precious before His eyes. He wants you to grow and succeed. He wants to partner with you in life’s journey. While you partner with Him, He needs you to trust Him. Trust His process! Look for the good in every situation. Do only things that lift your spirit!! You can choose to be happier this year by maintaining a positive mental attitude.

Not achieving ALL the milestones set in 2018 doesn’t ultimately make you a failure. It just requires that you go back to the drawing board with lessons learned because until you identify what worked, you probably wouldn’t be able to do better. As you re-evaluate the year, here are a few tips: build on lessons learned, shut fear out, be brave enough to set new goals, research skills you desire to obtain next year and map out steps to achieve them. Whatever plan you select, take the plan seriously. Work towards the plan as though your entire life depended on it.

While I’m 26, I choose to be brave! I choose to do everything I love.

I choose not to let the fear of trials stop me from being happy this New Year! I choose to be in control- to act and not to be acted upon!! I invite you to do the same!

What would you do today to make 2019 your “HIT year?” Feel free to share your thoughts with me.

Merry Christmas!!